But, where are you really from?

A note on how to navigate curiosity and cultural heritage respectfully

I’ve been struck by the grace and dignity with which Ngozi Fulani handled blatant racism and othering at a prestigious national institution. It got me thinking about how to navigate natural curiosity and share cultural heritage.

For a lot of people, wanting to know where you are from is about being curious about you as an individual. It’s a conversation starter, a reference point. For those being asked, it can give them an opportunity to share their lineage, heritage, migratory patterns and more. For many entrepreneurs, these things shape their journey and story. It can be especially important for us to talk about our heritage when we’re grouped in buckets and labels like South Asian, Caribbean, ESEA (don’t get me started on BAME).

Pic: With Anna Chan, founder of the Asian Leadership Collective who established #ESEAEats, a movement to tell stories of the community with Georgie Ma

It also allows us to interrogate ideas about “authenticity”. In the food world especially, authenticity is less about origin and more about heritage, who you are as opposed to where your ancestors came from. There are food writers and restaurateurs who routinely get interrogated about their lack of authenticity, when all they’re doing is being true to themselves and fairly open about it too. Zosima of Yes Lah shared her pain at having her ethnicity questioned with the “is she Filipino?” look. Food writer Nik Sharma talked about his complicated relationship with India in this heartwrenching thread.

The stories are often not straight or simple, but then neither are migratory patterns. The problem arises when you missell or mislabel, or revert to tropes and sterotypes based on appearance or accents. I am someone who apparently doesn’t look Indian (!), sounds Welsh (!!) and is most likely from Bombay (Calcutta, in fact). I have fiercely cultivated my Indian accent and am endlessly fascinated by the background of people.

I am not alone, the last time I was asked about mine was by my Scottish yoga instructor who routinely gets asked if he’s Irish. We both had a spirited chat about struggling to deal with these as well as fessing up to confusing accents all the time and worrying about offending people. If you asked my quarter Peruvian, quarter English and half Indian kids this, they will say “Sarf London” by the way.

So, how to navigate your curiosity respectfully, sensibly and sensitively? Here’s what you could ask instead:
1. Where are your family from? You’ve been brought up here of course.
2. Where is your accent from. Do I spot a bit of (___) or I can’t place your accent (then revert to 1)
3. Where did you grow up (more intrusive, but does the trick sometimes)

For those on the receiving end, racism and discrimination are abuse and need to be called out. But there is also innocent interest that needs to be dealt with. I’ve had endlessly fascinating conversations about heritage, history and lineage on the back of these questions, satiating genuine curiosity and learning as I got along. No offence was meant or taken.

I hope this provides some practical tips on how to get it right. And on the subject of being better, I hope lessons were learnt all round from the horrid incident at the Palace and their D&I policy is getting a good long read across the organisation.